September 11, 2016
Dear Lucas Martino,
This day, it is the first year anniversary of your death. I simply cannot describe how much I miss you, and how much I grieve for you. My heart is cold because of your absence, but is also warm because of my memories of you.
I always look up to the stars because you once told me that the substance our spirits are built with, come only from a far away galaxy, from the center of the exploding heart of a dying mega-star; and what keep us alive, are the particles of its stardust.
I wrote you this "letter" thinking that the comets might deliver it to you, and take it to that infinite place where you are dwelling now. I did not write all the things I wanted to tell you, or all what I feel, or about what things are overwhelming my bleeding heart. I have so much to tell you Lucas Martino, but I am afraid that the Universe might open my letter to read what is inside, and discover the intolerable deepness of my wound.
I cannot begin to articulate how much you meant to me, and how much you still mean to me in every day of my life. I will never get to hug you again, or kiss your forehead as I did so often, or say hello or goodbye; and I will never know what your last thought was. It is an impossible loss. I just live with the contemplation of the so many things I wish we could have done together, and now you are so far away, that none of that is possible.
I write to you because you must know how much you enriched my life, and the lives of so many others. I love you so much son, I miss you so dearly, and I hope you are happy wherever you are, Lucas Martino. I am sad because the cornucopia from where the beautiful things you sprinkled my life with, has forever dried up.
You often visit my dreams with your music, with “Lucas’ Music”, and those dreams of you temporarily feed life into my dead soul, and remind me that once I had one alive. Your music is a reflection of your deep feelings, and when I dream at its tunes, is as if you are telling me a story of your thoughts. I have great empathy to what it must have been to have the sad feelings you had. Thanks to you, now I can understand what real anguish is. Your pleasing music packs tight sorrow and beauty, happiness and sadness; all together as one powerful message with all the might of your existence. I love you so much son, and I miss you so much Lucas Martino.
I know I will see you again, up there where the stars make love to the universe behind dark suns, were there is no pain or sorrow, where togetherness is the intangible singleness. I know I will see you again Lucas, and I will enjoy the closeness of your amazing smile once more, and my spirit will be free of the taxing feelings that oppress my pitiful and fragile human nature. I am already packed for that trip. I know it will happen one day during that hidden second many years from now, in that hidden second when I take my last breath, and exhale it then to leave it all behind. And I will be happy. I promise you, Lucas, I will be happy. It is easy to wait for that far and unavoidable moment ahead because I have never ever stopped loving you.
I know that our lives, those ones of us the living ones, will be ripped to shreds again and again by the events of life. It is the nature of life. Then, we will have a few happy moments to repair the wounds, to amend the pain, and to refill our tears. But you do not be concern with this Lucas, because you know well how this business of “life” goes. You know it well. It is like you lived a hundred years into sixteen splendid years. My heart will never break again because there is not a single piece of it that can possible break again. The shattered pieces of my heart are so ever small now, that it is not possible for them to break, not even once more.
It has been a very long-short year on, and my pain and sadness are still as fresh and raw as that terrible day you left my life. I did not know this, but the day you left, the countdown for your deathday anniversary had started; and here we are now. Please, do not let the stars to know of this. These heavy feelings will last a long while Lucas, until I am old and gray enough so my spirit and my heart cannot hurt anymore. That will be my signal to initiate my trip to see you again, Lucas Martino, to join you once more and rejoice my spirit with the closeness of your smile.
Yesterday, I silently reclined on the creaking lintel of the front door of our house a minute before midnight. I was looking if I could see the advent of your deathday anniversary date coming to us from the calendar of times. I saw the sparkly and dim light of the fragile tail of a quick comet crossing the mysterious dark skies, and for one second I thought it was you waving at me. I know... it is just my distended imagination engorged by a million of your memories, and exploding with cheerless nostalgia. After all, your deathday is approaching, and in this day I am thinking of you extra hard. Your life, your smile, and your free spirit inspired me to be a better man, better than what I was yesterday. Thank you for that, Lucas.
Yesterday, I silently reclined on the creaking lintel of the front door of our house a minute before midnight. I was looking if I could see the advent of your deathday anniversary date coming to us from the calendar of times. I saw the sparkly and dim light of the fragile tail of a quick comet crossing the mysterious dark skies, and for one second I thought it was you waving at me. I know... it is just my distended imagination engorged by a million of your memories, and exploding with cheerless nostalgia. After all, your deathday is approaching, and in this day I am thinking of you extra hard. Your life, your smile, and your free spirit inspired me to be a better man, better than what I was yesterday. Thank you for that, Lucas.
You were such an amazing character and an extraordinary human being who I wish I could have spent more time with, one more day... You were among us for such short time, because sixteen years are nothing; nothing in time terms, but an infinite treasure of the richness of you. I think of you every day and hope you are happy in heaven. Yes, sixteen years is very little time, a blink of life, a flicker of existence; and you have to forgive me yet again Lucas because I still cannot understand why you left us. I know you had had a reason for leaving us early, I just cannot comprehend it, but at the same time, I cannot thank you enough for who you were as a person and as a son. Your invincible spirit truly inspired so many people, including your loving family. Your kind heart and your startling smile will never be forgotten. I love you son to death, and I always will. Thank you so much for all that you did for me.
Brevem vita tuam, sed sunt perpetuo memoria. Your life was short, but memories of you are forever. Oh! You were so young!, far too young, Lucas! But our memories of you will fade never. I have not seen you in a year, but I still hear your laughter in my heart, and see your smiles patterned in my spirit. You have no idea how much I miss you.
Many times I feel alone and in need of your absent company Lucas, just like the waves of the ocean need the beach to exist, just like the flowers need the sun to blossom, just like the valley need the mountains to be able to be; but you are not here... That makes me so sad. But I will wait to see you again Lucas, just like the cicada waits for most of its life underground to one day emerge and sing its life to the skies, just like a predator patiently and silently stalking his prey, just like the bear that sleep a very long time waiting for the Spring to wake him up; and then, when my times come, I will see you again Lucas.
I know your mother, your sister, and your brother feel the same way I feel, just perhaps in a deeper way because they have stronger spirits, bigger souls, and deeper hearts than mine. They are much more courageous and more beautiful human beings than I could ever be. Their strength does not come from the things they can do, but it comes from the colossal things the can overcome. This is an extraordinary might I can only dream to possess.
And when I see you again Lucas, the faded violets will recover their color, the rain will sing on the ground once more, the candlewick will illuminate again, the cauldron at the end of the rainbow will be full for a second time; and the deep pain and devastating sorrow will dissipate into a bad and far away memory.
Until then Lucas, I will be dreaming of ancient magical dragons and primordial fantastic stars, and of the infinite grace of your beautiful and sincere smile, because they all live in my imagination, and because imagination is the highest flying though I have.
Love you
Your imperfect Father.