Dear Lucas,
I seem to have lost my muse, my ability, and my spirit to
write... I think it is because just like
my family; my inspiration left me unfeelingly. Now I am writing to you again because even the
foundlings of love manage somehow, to survive. Despite of this winter betrayal, from my
bleeding heart, my warm love for them will remain eternal.
Sometimes I feel that I am writing on the surface of the waters
of a raging river and my words get lost in the immensity of the human act,
leaving no seeds, no footprints, or common sense. My clock runs so ever slowly these days and
it seems to accompany the rhythm of my aching heart which pumps my blood that
now just runs very cold.
I was lucky enough to have you in my life during that ephemeral
time, and the time I spent with you is a wonderful treasure that no one ever
can take away from me. You must be now
with Papa somewhere there in the Universe.
It was a privilege to love you, Lucas.
You taught me that humor was more important that seriousness.
I do remember your determination. You always fought every fight with all the
power of your existence, with a shield of smiles, with a sword of truth, and
with a beautiful cape of humanity that made you a formidable Paladin. You did make the sunshine brighter.
The day you left me, none of the exploding tears of my eyes
helped you in any way; none of my desperate thoughts came to your help, none of
my unreserved offers to the selfish gods were accepted, all the dealings I
attempted with the Demons failed, my distressed and frantic efforts to roll the
dice of Fate into more favorable numbers; did not work, and at the end, none of
the deeply rooted pain in my heart took yours away... Oh, Lucas, I miss you so much... My entire brittle existence is been drained
away into oblivion.
I am deeply sorry I could not do more for you in those last
ephemeral moments of your amazing, generous life.
Now Lucas, you are enjoying the eternal freedom that your caring
and loving soul took as a bulwark, and I want you to know that you; in a
surreptitious way, planted those small seeds that provoked a fundamental change
in our lives, at least in mine. I will
try to follow your example of not dragging your life behind you, but carry it
inside you.
Lucas, I know that we will see each other again. I do not know when, how, or where; but I do
know that the primary values you so generously did spread into my life are not
lost in the immensity of my behavior, and perhaps with them, I will join you in
some recondite place somewhere in the infinite magnitude of the Universe, far
away from Neverland, a distant place from where perhaps, you are observing us
now...
I am not saying: “see you soon, Lucas!”, because like any
weak and egoistic mortal, I want to continue to holding on with teeth and nails
to what little, perishable and transient I have left here on Earth, for just a
bit longer. You left me in a hurry amid
the mundane noise and haste, and showed me how much peace there might be in the
deep and abysmal spaces of silence.
Your departure Lucas did hit me the hardest and blasted my
entire life into the reality of a cosmic explosion. This tremendous power forced my life into a stop
for a few uneasy moments, and it took a while to regain consciousness of
reality while something inside me was painfully dying with you... and still
does.
Love you, Lucas.
Your Dad.