Caliginous notes from a mammock of my heart.
09/11/2017
Today is the sad anniversary of the second year of your
death, but it feels to me Lucas, that you just departed yesterday.
We wrote you some notes today Lucas, we tied them to a few
balloons with rainbow ribbons and with a little lamp, we sent them to you. The balloons took to the air slowly and
started to rise towards the skies, unhurriedly.
The balloons flew away to the infinite of the night until we could not
see its light anymore. By now, you
should have those little notes with you, Lucas.
We love you very much.
I am writing this selfishly to myself. The only reason I am writing to myself,
Lucas; is because the heavy shadows of that deep void of darkness are trying to
imprison me again. This place of
nothingness is a big part of the null and void of my life which was created by
your departure. Today I feel especially sad,
anxious, scared, and very, very alone. I
also feel that you can identify and understand what is happening to me based on
your own experience.
I wish, I could turn back time so I can be laughing with
you, and building our dreams among laughs and hopes as we used to do… but I do
not even remember when was the last time when I did something fun, because my
reality often spiral down into the denial alleyway of my spirit, flooding my
eyes with burning, and often cold tears suppurated by my smoldering emotions. I am truly trying to do the best I can with
what is left of my distressed life, even without friends and without what was
called once: my “family”. It is so very hard.
I somehow know that life is deeper than I think it is now, it
is higher than my thoughts and stronger than my hopes; and still is an unwalked
road. Life seems so far away from me now,
but I feel her near me dancing and teasing me to catch her. I just need a bit of light from your soul or
from your smile Lucas, so I can see her.
With a glimmer of light from you, I will be able to see how in the
darkness, the big shadow of my life panics at your light, and with a dull echo,
rends off from the darkness, and that oppressing shadow then starts to quickly vanish;
with just a flicker of light from your beautiful and bright soul.
I remember you in the beauty of the world around me, beauty
which most of the times I cannot not see through my dark existence. Roxy, your doggy; is a permanent and great
companion. We talk about you every day
and she listens to me carefully. Every
time I get back to the house, she receives me with unbounded happiness and
excitement, as if it was you who was coming back...
I try to find a light to guide me, but I only see shadows in
the darkness. I am writing a book about
you, Lucas. It is called “A shadow in
the Darkness”. It is not finished
yet. I called like that because I think
that the worse and most frightful darkness of all it is the visible darkness, because
in the darkness; darkness is the only thing you can see. This book is the story of you Lucas, my
beloved son. I will finish your book
when a ray of light shatters my darkness so I can see that shadow. I cannot see that shadow in the darkness because
shadows are the children of light.
I talk about darkness because I know that only light can
oust darkness, and only darkness oust light.
Light and darkness need each other to exist. A balance in between them is sadness. I
believe that happiness is when we use our own light to drive out our darkness. If I can love myself again the way I love you,
I will be able to catch my life and some happiness once again, and be able to
endure this very hard job of staying alive. I am trying, Lucas. So, I will get up once again tomorrow, and
live that day.
In the meantime and without
your magic, I have to bleed out the poison of my darkness day by day, drop by
drop, tear by tear, and pain by pain.
Love you Lucas.
Your Dad.