Dear Lucas,
Today is
the 4th anniversary of the birthday of your death. When you died Lucas, I whispered a very
painful and tearful good bye into your serene ear in an agonizing day like
today four years ago. A forced goodbye
hurt the most when a beautiful story starts, develop so brightly and promising,
and then is not finished because the book has been shut closed suddenly and
violently forever. It has been four
years since the birthday of your death, but it feels that it was just
yesterday.
In spite of
my days full of rushing, languishing and uninspiring activities, my obstinate heart
still cannot admit that you are not with us anymore. You were a great and important part of my power
and of my whole existence. Since you
left, there has been not a single day that I have not missed you. It is not easy for me to carry on the hard job
of living with this eroding pain, but still, it is an unvarying and taxing reminder
of your physical absence.
It is a
clear truth that every one of us has to die one day and this is one of the many
bitter truths of life. I can live with
any bitterness that life throws at me, but I cannot come to terms with your
death. My eyes get filled with burning
but sweet tears when I reflect that you are gone for forever. They are burning tears because I cannot hug
you anymore Lucas, and they are sweet because I still have your memory and your
dazzling smile living in my heart. This
has been very draining for all of us.
We always have
days to celebrate, days that we remember to remember, to cherish and to be
grateful for. Today, I will remember,
cherish and be grateful, even though today it is for a sad and heartbreaking
remembrance I wish I never had. Today
marks the fourth anniversary of the death of my beloved Lucas Martino, it marks
the tragic, terrible and incomprehensible lost of your young life that was at all
times vibrant, intelligent, sweet, charismatic and so talented. You were only 16 year old! You were a gift in every sense of the
word.
The
terrible loss of you taught me that grief does not change me, but it reveals
me. Grieving is an unfortunate and hard journey
that forced me to learn how to love you in a new and different way. For me, grief is like a furious ocean that
hits me with exploding fatuous waves that after hitting me, they ebb and flow
away, unworried. Sometimes the waves are
calm and soothing, but other times, more often; are overwhelming. I am still learning how to swim in these fickle
waters.
Four years
ago in panic I listened to the thunderous sound of nothing, of the emptiness.
I heard the sound of you Lucas breathing
no more. Trembling, I waited for the
sound of another strained inhale from you.
It never came. I only heard the
mute sound of my heart shrieking when it never came. Four years ago, I lost you Lucas. I lost you forever...
You left us
dragging with you the sun of our lives on that sad day. The sun came back the next day, but you did
not. In a split second, we were left
only with an empty room, mountains of beautiful memories and so many unanswered,
bitter questions. I saw you parting away
while I clutched on with all of my defeated might. I have never been so horrified in my
life. I was brutally thrown into a new, horrendous
universe. These past four years have
been the most heart-wrenchingly painful, confusing years of my life.
But you
left me with a gift, Lucas; with a beautiful gift that makes my existence
tolerable and dries my most felt tears.
You left me with wonderful memories and your pure and sincere smile
fused to my life. This conveys me that I
cannot cross an ocean of pain by merely standing at its edge and staring at its
murky waters. It also tells me that if I
cry because you are gone out of my life, my tears will prevent me from seeing
the stars where you are living amongst.
It also taught me that love is an endless mystery of unbreakable
inscrutability, because there is no reasonable foundation that could explain it
or kowtow it. That powerful love for you
Lucas lives forever in my aging heart.
I celebrate
today the birth of your death with a high spirit and a heart full of love for
you, my dear son Lucas. I celebrate your
life Lucas but with no respect for death.
She is cold, aloof, and wins every time by uncaring, indifferent
means. I know you would prefer us to
celebrate your life, and not your death.
I will do so, Lucas. I will have
a day full of joy and saturated with your memories, I will discover your smile
in every corner of the noisy city, I will rediscover your memories in every
wrinkle of my essence, I will instill power in my spirit stealing it from your
vibrant personality, and I promise not to cry today. However, I will have to do it tomorrow Lucas;
profusely after the sun sets.
Love you forever, Lucas.
Your father