Here I am again talking
to you on paper. I talk to you all the
time throughout my days, but in times like this, I like to sit and engrave the
silent words that come out my trodden, gasping spirit in this electronic paper.
It just takes a
smell, a sound, a flashing memory, or a song to explode in a million memories, and
every sad memory brings a tear. There
are so many tears that I could drawn on them, but your good memories dry up
those sad tears and save me always at the right time. It just takes one good memory of you Lucas,
to dry up a million of bitter tears. This is because I do not remember days, I
remember just flickering moments. I
remember you so much Lucas because I am disposed to live immersed in the gone
past just because most of my life happens there, however; the great emptiness is
happening in my present.
The times cross my
life in a hurry, some of my memories fade in the immensity of the void, my
feelings experiment tremendous changes, people comes and go from my life, but
my heart never forgets you because you Lucas, your sweet memories; feed my
exhausted spirit. So, I have nothing
left to lose but my memories of you, and they will be with me for eternity, so
I have nothing else to lose.
I have learned the
hard way that I was never taught the true value of a moment with you son, until
those moments became memories. But I
love those memories because when they visit me randomly, they make me sincerely
smile in spite of what is going on in my life today. Your memories are the only thing that remains
the same, even when my defeated feelings fade away wrapped in sadness and
bitter tears, and when everyone walks away from me and from my small life. Your memories are my antidote against deep
depression. This happens because time
moves in one direction and memories do it in an opposite one.
I never thought that
looking back on those tears that came out of laughing with you, will turn to be
laughs that make me cry now. Perhaps
that is the difference between promises and memories: I can break promises, as
I did; but memories are breaking me now.
Once in a while I visit the unhappy graveyard in my heart, that
place where I have some people buried for long time, but they all are still
alive. They are my manufacturing of
memories and tears. I wonder: how I am
buried in the graveyard of your heart, Lucas?
I hope with love because with love any pain is bearable, but if it is
with bitterness, everything will be destroyed.
I know now that in order to have a rainbow, I must first endure a storm,
but the storm I am living through, it seems to be forever.
Now I am wandering the world alone with
little or no direction, and all what is left for me to do is to sigh and to
weep for the days now gone, and for the memories that now power my life
while I keep on wandering this gray world alone. Until I become a memory.
I love you, Lucas
Your Dad.