I know I loved you Lucas because since you were a spark of life I said yes as often as it was possible for me, because we play band with pots and pans and make a lot of noise and laughed hard when we broke one, and because I read you many books, all kind of books aloud with joy and affection. And when you were crabby, I let you be without complaining or getting upset, and I strived to be the warm water that could calm your crabbiness because I realized how important is for a child, to be a child.
I know I loved you Lucas because you wanted to go together to a movie in your pajamas; and we did, and we bought lots of popcorn, drinks, gummy bears, horribly acid gummy worms and more candy, and we ruin dinner time, but the way you talked, smiled and laugh about it just melted my heart. And even when you cried, my heart was liquefied by my love for you.
I know I loved you Lucas because we were friends and a team when playing all sorts of video games, and you always laughed at me because I was so bad at playing, but you never dumped me as your teammate, and always helped me to stay alive in the game.
You had such a beautiful smile, and that smile stills make me happy all day, every day.I know I loved you Lucas because we invented funny and silly things to do together and because I remembered how really small and excited you were when we were doing that, we took pictures with the most awkward and gawky facial expressions or postures, yet I still saw you as the cutest person on the planet, and because we giggle so much without having a single reason for it.
I know I loved you Lucas because I was able to surprise you so many times with my childish stories and my loony inventions, and because I said no when it was necessary, and in spite of you getting angry, grouchy or sad, you were still my adorable angel, and because we taught each other about feelings, and because you helped me to heal and make happy my own inner-child.
I know I loved you Lucas because you taught me parenting like no one else, because we hunted all kind of bugs, we hug all dogs and cats we could, because we claimed trees and roofs together, and because you show me how to love with passion my hobbies and interests.
I know I loved you Lucas because we made a huge mess with the kitchen and our clothes cooking a chocolate cake together, and we ate it with no hands, because we fought together imaginary mouth-spitting dragons in our super-hero suits, because we catch gigantic imaginary butterflies, and we chase Martians in our super-duper rocket spaceship.
I know I loved you Lucas because we built a fantastic city in Minecraft, and you taught me how to do it with infinite patience, and I know I loved you not only because of who you were, but also because who you make me when I was with you, and because we made big plans to conquer the entire Universe.
I know I loved you Lucas because together, we were pure magic, because we made lots of forts with blankets, sofas, pillows, and chairs, and I was never afraid or bored when you were near, and we told each other our crazy dreams, because we wrote and mail letters to Santa, and because we set shop on the street to sell sodas to the cars and passerby in Summer time.
I know I loved you Lucas because of the many times we pitch tents in the living room or in the backyard and slept in our sleeping bags with your dog Roxy, because you were always so nice to homeless and poor people, because we liked to be silly together, because we planted dreams in each other gardens, and I loved you because you gave me needed and peaceful serenity in the midst of my desperate struggle.
I know I loved you Lucas because without telling me, you made me stop yelling, because I told you: “I love you” a lot of times, because you taught me to speak kindly, because we painted our faces of vivid colors, because we were powerful wizards in Halloween and ate candy until our bellies hurt, and I know I loved you -and I still do- because when you were little, you thought I was awesome no matter what. I know I loved you Lucas not only because for what you made of yourself, but for what you made and still making of me, and because in your sad and silent absence, you still manage to squeeze bitter-sweet tears from my old and so very tired eyes. Every day. Every day.
And I know that I really loved you Lucas, because you were always a miraculous and extraordinary person, and I still love you with the entire power of my difficult and awkward existence.
My only regrets are my broken and undelivered promises to you, Lucas. I am so very deeply sorry for that.
Love you always,
Your Imperfect Father.