Dear Lucas Martino,
Once again and like a feared nightmare, September 11th
has hit me like an irascent runaway locomotive coming from the dark. Coming
from the dark because in spite of knowing that is coming, it hits me blind. It approaches like a rafale, menacing and
heavily armed with its violent and unstoppable artillery of pains and sad
memories, ready to unmercifully harm me once again with its feral salvo of the
excruciatingly painful memories of your death.
September 11 came again wildly, barraging me with an onslaught of sorrow,
anguish, and suffering. I am never ready
for this...
It has been 3 painful and dreading years since I last saw
you, spoke to you, touched your hand, hugged you, heard you laughing, or simply;
sat unnoticed on you presence. Oh,
Lucas! I miss you so very much! I am writing you now because on September 11th
of this year, on the 3rd anniversary of your death, I am barely able
to contain my untamed and deadening emotions which completely paralyze me
emotionally, and a laborious pen in my hand will be completely useless. These past years have been tough without you. I still have your brother Antonio and your
sister Giuliana to soothe my aching heart.
I miss the sound of your strident voice, those topsy-turvy footsteps
of yours, your laughing that promptly filled all the empty spaces, your
voracious appetite, and how you would call me Noob with an ample and enchanting
smile on your lips. You were the only
one who called me by that nickname, and I enjoyed it! I really miss your voice, that sweet voice of
yours I wish I can hear once again. I
miss also your honest sense of humor.
Death took all of these –and so much more- from me.
In every year on Father's Day, I am envious of all those
people who get to spoil their dads with loving cards, and small gifts... Unfortunately your death rendered my
fatherhood unfinished, partial and fragmentary, and this is a throbbing pain that
hurts unscrupulously. Now, I have to
swallow a stone cold reality that my mind refuses to let go. You are not here anymore, you are not at our
side any longer, and I do not get to be your father anymore. It hurts a lot, Lucas. Not a day goes by when I do not envisage what
life would be like if you were here.
You are not here anymore to share naughty and good times,
happy and sad situations, easy or difficult moments, or even disagreements with
me. My achievements and my victories do
not mean much these days because you are not here to share them with you and
our gone family.
You have left us and many other people with a cesspool of good
memories and happy moments of you. I always
remember how often you made me laugh, how you always patiently listened to your
many friends, how you always helped whoever you could with whatever you could. These memories of you inspire me with a
feeling of warmth inside, and motivate me to be the kind of father to be proud
of, and the one I could have been for you.
It is very hard to comprehend why some things happen the way
they do. It is very hard to understand
and accept that you are no longer here with us, but you are thought with pride,
Lucas; with each mention of your name death cannot change a single thing
because your love still remain in our hearts.
When the young bury the old, in most instances time heals the pain and
sorrow, but when the old has buried the young, the pain and sorrow remains eternal.
The unfathomable pain of your absence is like a big bruise that
never goes away, a big bruise on my spirit.
In my life without you everything feels like a battle, every breath
feels like the last, every memory is a silent war. People do not know, but behind my every
smile is a bleeding heart, behind my every
laugh, there is a cry of pain. My soul died with you, and my spirit is falling
apart. Look closely at me
Lucas, and you will see, the man I am, it is
not me anymore.
Your death left my spirit with an indescribable journey of desperate
survival. Your departure made me lose my
breath, the one I have never recovered again.
Grief is now the last act of the love I have for you. My grief is deep because my love for you is
great. I no longer have conversations
with death, I do not care any longer when she opens or closes her doors.
Thank you, Lucas. Thank
you for your sincere love. Thank you for
the treasurable memories. Thank you for
being a good, sensible, and a hard working human being who encouraged me to be
the best person I can be. And thank you
for letting me –even for a short time- be your father.
No farewell words were spoken, it was not time to say
goodbye, no hugs or simple handshakes took place at your departure. You were gone before we knew it, so
suddenly! It was a small piece of time
that got lost in an instant in the ages of the Universe. I love you and miss you Lucas.
Your unfinished, partial, and fragmentary father.