A Traficant of Faked Happiness

I used to have so many smiles dancing gaily on my lips, plenty of them; and it seemed that the well from which emanate them would never dry...  but sadly I was wrong, so very wrong.  

That heartrending day you departed from this deceitful bucket of life, you inadvertently took all of my truthful smiles with you, leaving none for me.  

Your departure took even all my grins tangled in yours, and they together as one flew away to the infinite, to the insubstantial, to the eternal.  I cannot smile sincerely anymore, but it is not your fault, Lucas; it is my entire fault.  I thought I had smiles forever because I took them for granted. 

My Sun of Autumn died irremediably that faithful day darkening my spirit forever, since then, I have wanted so badly to smile again with your candor, and for you Lucas; to accompany your eternal and unspoiled smile...  and the only way I can do that now, is by deceitfully stealing other peoples' smiles.  I have become a thief of smiles...

Moreover, I go around on the streets everywhere, on balconies and fields, on buildings and patios, on alleyways and lakes, high and low, stealing smiles from children and strangers, from the old and the young, from the serious and the sad, from the conscious and from the unaware.  Then I egoistically cram them in the abysmal wounds of my heart, in the riverbed of my tears, in the deep gaps of my soul...  

I do this every day Lucas, unashamed, everywhere and to everyone.  I do this because I cannot fill up my lack of happiness, so I must to disguise my pain with a thick coat of stolen smiles. 

Now cold and empty of happiness, I pretend that I laugh and I pretend that I smile, and I pretend that I am cheerful.  However, the naked truth transpires, and my spirit once vibrant and indomitable now looks weak and slow, empty and hollow, lonely and without my smiles, which had only value when once, were accompany by yours. 

Sometimes people ask me, "How many children do you have?"  ...How can I possible answer honestly that blazing question?  What feasible response can I offer?  Should I say, "Three?", or should I say, "Two", or should I say, "Three, but I have only two left...?  Lost in the absence of logic, what could I possibly respond to that innocent, but so incisive question, Lucas?  Without you, I am nothing but a little man of diachronic thoughts, a Traficant of Faked Smiles.

I know that life goes with its twists and turns and that I have to dance with it, but the dance is clumsy and blundering, and the rhythm of my life has gone missing, just like my smiles. 

Lucas, your memories warm me up from the inside, but they also tear me apart; because the past beats inside me like a furious and enraged second heart.

Love you forever.

Your Dad.